Sunday, April 28, 2013

Fast Forward 762 Days

Going back on that day I was paralyzed to do anything, what I do is become an usher greeting people as they’ve come to church and fixing chairs going back to basics. After three weeks I was reinstated by my pastor and asked what I realized and how I felt about what happen. I said I was humbled down and ask God for forgiveness I know now that God can give and God can take away everything. We are just entrusted by God to do his work and we are just privilege to be used by him. Now my pastor asked me are you ready to return? At the back of my mind I was thinking am I ready? Am I ready to serve God once again? Although I’m serving him by fixing chairs and greeting people am I ready to play for him again?  Ask myself when I will be ready? You will never know if you don’t try so I said “I’m ready to go back”. And I’m back.

Many things happened in my life and I’ve never be the same again. God entrusted me so much responsibilities and God blessed me and our church as well. Now we have satellite services in different places and I was privilege to help in those areas. Then I was called to be a Music Director and a Worship Leader in one of our satellite church. It was big for me to be a Worship Leader, I am not that experience in leading people to worship, singing songs, and making them sing from their hearts. I was leaving my comfort zone that’s what I know and that’s what God wants me to do so I obey.

But here’s the thing the Delilah in my life are still there and became a burden to me I was soak in to the sin again and having troubles with her. Issues arise and burden eating us up. It was a disgrace to God’s throne and without his grace maybe we are dead right now.

After two years and a month we’ve decided to confess everything to our small group leaders and pastors and let them decide on what to do with us. I’ve made my own nightmare three days ago she went to our house and our friend’s house and do scandalous things saying things to people all the highly confidential information putting both of us to shame. I don’t know maybe in this way she can get a hold of me and pushing me to be with her and get married or because of the hurt she feels and the decision I made to stop our communication cause her to react on this way. But I know where I stand and my family knows what really happens she can’t make things up just to destroy me or hold me. I am not angry for what she has done I feel sad to what happen to us. This could not happen if we listen and learn from our mistakes two years ago. This could not happen if we stop sinning and stop our relationship the way it used to be.

Now I was disabled to stand in front, same thing happens two years ago. But now something is different. I’ve been praying for months to God to fix my life. I earnestly prayed that every day, “God! Fix my life! Fix my life!”

And three days ago as we do our bible study in the office I prayed to God to remove all the distraction in my life and if God would prune me in any areas of my life do it to me “one time big time” although I know it would hurt me so bad I will endure cause I’m so tired sinning. And it happened. Although I almost lost everything my family are still with me and this moment I will know whose my real friends are and who will stay with me no matter what am I now. My Pastor who is also my mentor never leaves me and they showed me love. I deserve to undergo this trial but I’m thankful how God holds me and directs me in my life. I never know what will my future will be but this moment of my life I will recommit and entrust my every decision and what my heart wants to God cause I know He knows the plan for me so I will delight myself in the Lord and trust him with all of my heart leaning not on my own understanding for he knows and see and I know he loved me. Thanks God! I’ll be back soon. Without the guilt in my life I can say I can worship you now with a pure heart that’s pleasing to your sight.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Turning Point


Martes, Marso 29 2011

The story

I was a minister for 6 years in a church here in Antipolo. I've been serving God since I was 13 years old.
Sometimes I lead worship, but most of the time i play instruments. I do have small groups and I'm a part of the Leadership core in our youth. I was privilege to be a camp committee  head 2 years ago and i was overwhelmed with everything that is happening in my life I've gone so far... not until this things happens.

It was a slow fade, little by little my devotion time suffers due to my work schedule and relationship issues.
I test God, even though i know that he is in control, i tried to manipulate my life. Do what i want and little that i know i was far, very far from the will of God.

I've done things i never could imagine, i became rebellious at heart although every Sunday i come and pray and ask forgiveness but there's one thing that i can't gave up. it's my life.. love life. from there i was ruined. Little by little i was eaten by my self, drowning me to rebellion and commit sin against God.

It needs to be stopped, i know it! But i can't! I was drowned in my own flesh unable to see the light. I was praying to God to help me restore my life from the day where i still felt the joy of my salvation, that sweet moment when i first know him. I want to be free! But because of my stubbornness I continue to sin until the alarm caught my attention.

My senior pastor throw the red flag. He ask me to have a conversation with him with my fellow leaders as a witness on what will happen. I knew this day come but i never stop. I knew it will hurt me but still i refuse to stop. How stubborn am i to be like this. Oh God forgive me for all of my sin.

We had a talk, it was harsh but i deserved it!
Everything that i have and all the things that i do in my ministry is taken away.
I was holding a rock in that moment and if I'm strong enough it'll crushed when i squeeze it while listening to my pastor.

That moment i was humbled down, that moment i felt Gods hand correcting his children.
I felt that my identity is gone, my very essence is gone. I dont know what to do. Where do i start from here?
Where can i go from here? Am i be able to come back? What future is waiting for me? I am shameful and feel sorry,

Now I'm starting from scratch. I realized all the things that I've done, but its too late. the damage has been done. Now I'm on my way to repentance. I'm recording this journey although i didn't know if i can still go back to what i was before. But this is the time to surrender and let God work through me. I had a same issue with Samson, oh i wish i could get my powers back and glorify God once again.

Monday, July 21, 2008


The Only thing that I can remember is that I was in my darkest hour. I’ve been through a lot of struggles and this time I’m losing my war. I was about to drop my sword and ready to give up but not until my superior put me in a place where I can rest and be cured.

It was Sunday of 2005 when it happens. I was not in a mood to be ushered by any crowd; I just want to be alone. Well, actually I’ve been alone for how many months… or maybe year! And I’m used to be like that ever since. Before I loved to mingle with my church friends, have conversation about God, fellowship. But people change, so am I. I’m not that same person anymore. I hate to be with these people, it makes me sick. I called them “plastic” and I see them as plastic.

I don’t trust anybody I only trust my self. I felt that I was in a dark place at that moment but I just ignored it. No one understands me, even my family and friends can’t comprehend what I’ve been going through. Yes I was alone. I chose to be alone. Although I’m okay outside but inside I was drowning, I was wounded, I was bleeding… I am dying.

For years I gave up reading the bible, for almost a year I stop praying and talking to God and this year I was planning to quit attending church. I lose all my interest in these things the passion is negative zero.

My Christian mentor invited me to have lunch out to the mall. They’ve just called me through my cell phone and said that my sister is with them. They said that they are going to wait for me in a resto inside the mall so even though I don’t want to go I can’t say no. I treat them as my second family that’s why I can’t resist them.

So I went there to meet with them. I was clueless on what’s going to happen in that afternoon, I only knew that it’s all about lunch and that’s it. But unfortunately, it’s about church thing that I don’t want to talk about. They said that after we finished our food we are going to a youth service in brick road. “Not again!” I said to myself, I’m tired of church hopping… I’ve been through different churches for the past few months and years, I think it’s time to rest.

At that moment I feel that I’ve been cornered by a huge walls and I can’t run.
Honestly I want to make some reasons not to be with them but it’s too obvious. No matter what I do there’s still no escape. Little that I know that it was God’s hand that is moving, chasing me and bringing me back to his arms and comfort.

As we move closer to the church, I’m thinking about my previous experiences in our past churches. It was painful, a big wave for a small boat that crashed its way onto the shore. “I’ll just give it a try, “I said. If it doesn’t work well I think it’s the last.

The setting is a lot more different in my previous experience. Yes it’s totally different! “It is a big church” I said. But I think it’s not for us, it’s obvious that this church is for wealthy people, I will be having a hard time coping up with this people if we became a member of this church. I set aside all my anxiety at that moment and tried to be positive as I shake the hands of the church leaders.

After the long exchange of hand shakes, at last I found my niche. As we wait till the program start, I observed every person from the farthest place to the closest I’ve got. And I just wonder what if I’m one of them? How does it feel?

At last the program start, as the band plays it amazes me how they worship God. I worship God before but not like this and little by little I got encourage through the songs. As I sing praises to God, I never felt anything like this before. I feel like I was a plant who is nurtured again and for the very first time I cried as I sing praises to my maker. I felt His hand comforting me like a father saying don’t worry my son you’ll be okay, I’m here for you, you are not alone, I love you.

God it was a revival! I feel that my wounds are healed and little by little I was swept away from the darkness into light. And as I hear the preacher preach I feel that my soul is being fed like a baby. The fire that once burned out is now restored.

For almost a year being quiet to God, in that moment I talk to Him through prayer. I said “Lord I’ve been through a lot of troubles please give me rest. And when the time comes that you need me I’ll be available, used me. “And it happened.

Matthew 11
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

When you think you are headed in the wrong direction God allows u turn!

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